Hey Babes,
 I am saying goodbye to you guys. I read in the terms of my departure from this site that all of my blogs will be deleted as if I wasn't even on here...
I wanted to say thank you for reading my blog.
I had to take this journey and now its time for something else.
As you know I have my baby and I love her dearly.
I'm going forward with my life and letting go of what I have no control over.

My baby is my everything

Hey babes,

Finally she is here...
13 hours of the worst pain you could possible imagine and 45 long minutes of pushing this beauty out. As I was going thru the labor pains, all I could think of was, how in the HELL can a woman do this more than once lol.

Phoenix looks just like me!!!
Such joy was immediately brought into my life the moment I saw her.

She sleeps all day and wakes every hour on the hour at night and boy do I miss a full nights sleep. But, ask me would I trade her in for one, the answer will be a resounding NO.
Becoming a mother definitely had its obstacles but actually being a mom brings on new challenges. She's so small and fragile I don't want to brake her.

I thank God for the help my mother gives me. Being a single parent is hard in the beginning all the sleepless nights. The crying and the unknown of being a mother. Should I give her a bottle every time she cries?
How much is to much of holding her to keep her calm?
I've received advise but its hard to continue to listen to the crying (she doesn't have colic) and she really doesn't like the pacifier.
I will just learn as we go and hope for the very best...
Updating you guys when she is a month:)

Hey babes,
 I have approximately six weeks left in my pregnancy and boy will I be happy when it is over :)...
I have enjoyed being pregnant, I couldn't ask for an easier time but the last few weeks I have gotten bigger and growing more tired every day. Phoenix is definitely running out of room inside of my stomach, I feel every little thing she does in there.
My face is so fat and this belly is HUGE and I wouldn't trade one moment of this journey from the sleepless nights to the crying spells and utter chaos when I can't have something that I am craving (lol, I really haven't craved anything until now, I NEED cakes, cookies, donuts and ice cream).
Walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded and I can't fit clothes I purchased a few weeks earlier lol.
Oh, yeah I'm a waddler...
I just cant wait to look into her precious eyes, to tell her that I love her, to kiss her little hands. 
I've been thinking about the type of mother I will be and how my decisions effect her well being. I decided that as long as I'm keeping her best interest at heart then I will be the best mother I could ever be.

Hey babes,

I just want to say thank you, for being you. If you had not shown me your true self then I wouldn't be able to write this.
If you had not lied and been deceitful, I wouldn't have my baby
If you had not called me the horrible names you did, I wouldn't know how much I loved me
If you hadn't cheated and miss treated me I wouldn't understand my worth
OHHHHH, thank you
Thank you because you really don't know what you did for me.
I woke up one day and it was done. I was DONE.
I still love you and I always will.
The fact that you were brought into my life is enough for me to move on with a new found respect for myself.
The fact that I can be all those things I never thought I would have the strength to be. That I can do it all by myself has given me the best gift that no amount of money could buy.
The fact that no matter how hard you tried you didn't tear me down, you didn't brake me
I wrote the post "The Loser" and I've even told you that you won.
I can't take it back but I want to change how I feel
I have Won, in more ways than one. What I have gained is far greater than what was lose.
My self respect and dignity
My BABY
So thanks again for what you've done to and for me

Hey Babes,
I'm making strides in the right direction
No more thinking about what went terrible wrong in my life, but whats going amazingly RIGHT, in my life.
I have this amazing lil girl developing inside of me and everything is going just peeerrrrfffeeecctt!!! with her development. I am truly Blessed to say the least.
At this time it seems like a baby boom going on because everyone is expecting and so many of them are having problems so i will not complain one bit.
I've always wanted to start a non-profit for mentoring young girls and building self-esteem. I have met a young lady who has her own organization and I've started volunteering there to get my hands on experience and new ideas for what exactly I want my own organization to evolve into.
I have set goals for myself and met them, now I am setting bigger goals and accomplishing them as we speak.
I have chosen to Love me first (well God first, then myself) so that I can be the best influence in my baby girls life. That means taking care of my mental emotional spiritual and physical health
Just carrying her inside of me has made my progress unbelievable in working towards making a better life for us.
There are times when she is the only reason I get out of bed to do anything, I want her to only know love and determination from me.That every decision that has been made since her existence has been made with her in mind and that it shall continue to be that way. I will do my best to secure a better future for her. Phoenix is my rock. 

Hey babes,
The baby is a beautiful Girl!!!!
I am sooo excited
I didn't care either way but I'm glad God blessed me with a soon-to-be baby girl. I'm naming her Phoenix Vanessa
I chose the name Phoenix because of what my interpretation of what the myth represented; Rebirth, life after death. That no matter what obstacles she will face in life she will prevail. That she will rise again.Vanessa is after my mother and she represents strength, wisdom and unconditional love.
I recorded the ultrasound and shes just moving around so much and hiding in my crevasses.
It doesn't seem like its been five months, already half way through my pregnancy and planning the shower as we speak.
I'm happy and that's all that matters at this point.

Hey Babes,
Think you know a person and you don't.
Think they really mean what their telling you and they don't.
Trusting in your love, doesn't guaranty anything and seeing him clearly has opened my eyes.
I do not know what the future holds for us and the fact that being a single parent has even entered into the equation has brought on a whole new set of "strengths" if you will.
There are things in my life that I just knew would never happen to me, (1) I wouldn't love someone that didn't love me back (relationship wise) (2) having a child with out it being two parents.
I vowed to myself that yes, there are fare few things one can control but at least I can structure myself to never let those situations happen. And they happened...
Instead of sulking in this new found knowledge, (as much as I would like to) I have to equip myself for what ever the future holds.
Fact is, I love him and I love our baby to be. Not a day goes by that I wish I fully understood what the hell HAPPENED.
One day we were planing our lives and the next "I hate your stomach and the decision made to keep 'THAT'" and trust there are more blows were that came from.
Barely even seeing each other and hardly no communication, unless including arguing. I have cried until there weren't any tears. Sought answers for questions he will not answer. Alienated myself from friends because I can't stand being asked questions about "US" or whats going on. Whats going is:
He loves me but not his baby
He can't hide is emotions about his hate and he thinks that he's doing me a favor by being "honest" 
Life as we knew it is over and pretty much all hope is lost
I refused to believe that he could be so cold, selfish and plain ugly towards me. But, right when I think there is a break threw he wins and I lose.

Hey Babes,
So...
I'm having a baby, isn't that crazy!
I could not believe that this was happening at this time in our lives, you know right before the move and the start of everything NEW.
I must admit that I am uber excited about this experience and soooo over joyed with becoming a MOMMY:)
Yes, a few of our plans have been postponed and we are adjusting to the changes we're facing in our lives but, over all I truly believe that this is a blessing.
There is so much to think about and so many little concerns, nothing that overwhelms me but never-the-less in the back of my mind...
A healthy  baby is all I want. It doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl or twins...
Just a functioning, well adjusting, healthy baby.

Hey Babes,
I work with true characters.
Some of the most colorful people you could imagine working with, from work-a-holics, to lackadaisical and everything in-between.
I've grown to love/hate these people and honestly, I will be glad to be parting ways soon and just having memory of the folks.
You know that show "The Office" well, this place is the opposite of that, but its still funny... Well maybe its right along the same lines as "The Office" just with Black people, LOL
What has been the most difficult thing to except working here is the fact that so many so- called adults act like spoiled little brats!
Some where down the line somebody told a few of them that in the real world, other people will cater to them and do whatever they want because their special... NOT!!!
Fuck off!!!
I see why a person would go "Postal" on their fellow co-workers.
I wasn't created to kiss ass, so who ever came up with the idea, i missed the memo:)

Hey Babes,
"You Can't Change Your Family"...
But, you don't have to like them, either!
Sometimes those around you that claim to love don't have your best interest at heart. Sometimes those around you hate you more then strangers and plot and wish disruption in your life.
It has always been hard for me to except the laws of love your family because I come from a hateful family on both sides. These people just can't wait for something bad or out of order to happen to you. These people relish in your failure. and Make mockery of the things you accomplish.
I love my family and Glad to have shared the few memories that were special, but like anyone else in your life that causes mayhem...
You have to let them go.
Create your own family of people that truly love and wish for nothing but the best in your life. People around to lend a helping hand when your down but also offer advise on how to make the situation better. People to congratulate you when great things are happening for you and encourage positivity always.
 

Hey Babes,
It's hard to grasp the fact that I'm getting older. I mean I don't feel any different now then I did five or even 10 years ago.
It's like my mind recognizes the age change and maturity in some aspects, but in others, there seems to be no surface change and this is where the my mind and body does not connect. I mean your only as old as you feel anyway, right???
I will be 25 this year...
25.
25 and this is really a big deal to me.

I was told at the age of 25 everything changes. From my body to the decisions I will make for the rest of my life. Funny how every choice that I make at any age will change my life.
I should feel older, I should feel wiser, more mature. I should think long term instead of short term. I am a Grown up
But!
Quite a few of the things I thought I would have and be doing at my age now, I am not. There are a few things that have happened that has made a difference but for the most part. I still feel like a kid.
By no means do I thing 25 is old, maybe five or six years ago and I would have said that. And since I do not have any children that makes a hell-of-a difference on life to me, for me. So I am just gonna enjoy the fact that I am a kid at heart.
That all of the myths that were fore-told to me deemed to not be true:)
And that as long as i am happy with the way my life has turned out thus far and will continue to make strides in the right direction for my future, then...
I 'm doing just fine

Hey Babes,
Its a new year and that means new beginnings for us all. I haven't written anything in so long and I really missed it too. This year i will be relocating to the great state of Texas :)
and i can't wait either. My boyfriend and I are finally going to be together. Five long roller coaster years and we can finally make it official.
I will miss this depressing place I call home, where dreams go to die; I want to live!
I want to wake up next to my man and smile in his face.
Experience new and exciting things.
Start living, really living like there is no tomorrow.
There comes a time in every one's life when you have no choice but to let go and let God. I don't have the option of staying here and continuing on the path that I have been living. The time has come for me to move on. I've learned all i could from these narrow minded drones. 
I think bigger, want more than whats been shown to me. I see beyond the glitter, beyond the ghetto fab life styles of my piers. 
2010 has brought a breath of fresh air, this year has awaken my inner illuminating light and I can't ignore it, its too bright.
So I am counting down the days until my departure, I am starting anew 
Texas, here we come!!!!
  

Hey Babes,
I just can not tolerate ignorance.
It does not matter if a person has lighter skin, medium skin, in between skin or dark skin. If a persons hair is long or short; natural or treated; good or bad, nothing will change the fact that YOU ARE BLACK!!!!
I'm just tired of us comparing and ridiculing each other about the stupidest things that we only seem to care about because if we really want to be honest about the whole issue... the WORLD still views you as BLACK no body cares that your great great great grandmother was Cherokee Indian ( Native American) or that some where down the line some body was white. Your still BLACK.
You can never escape that harsh reality that a lot of us try so hard at doing and guess what, never succeed, because Black is apart of you.
No you don't have to be the stereo types but be proud of who you are.
Stop assuming these ridiculous notions about various myths black people continue to hold on to and the myths continue to disprove it self time and time again.
Identity crisis root deep in Ethic communities because "White is Right" has been embedded in our minds from birth.
We have to recognize that possessing pulchritudinous (like this word) is possible regardless of hair texture or skin complexion or anything else that gives a false impression of what BEAUTY is.

Hey Babes,
"I got dudes throwing rings at me..."
Hilarious.
Why, because people actually think a lot of attention from guys makes them special. Any body that gives off the slightest form of interest and its like they think the world wants them. 
Doesn't it matter the type of person that wants to get to know you. Every one doesn't deserve your time and counting they're peek interest, would be insane.  I know I deserve better than some loser with out a job or education, with no legitimate reason to get either in his eyes.
That isn't always the scenario though, some one that doesn't except you for you or right away, wants to change you, isn't the ideal mate either.
Being a Social Lite, for me, is a thing of the past and when I was apart of the "night life", every guy that approached me was not worthy of my number. I was not flattered by the disrespect or "lines" that they used and I wasn't fond of "that guy" in the club.
I'd much rather talk to the one person, one person that has great conversation and could make me laugh. Or the one persistent type (LOL, inside joke) that keeps coming back for more subtle gestures of "I like you too".
Any body can like you, love you even, but I know that I just don't want any body I want and have that special ONE:)

Hey Babes,
Never has a man been this over whelming to me.
I'm captivated by his presence and intrigued by his smile. He has turned my life in-side out and brought it back again.
He has a power over me that i just can not explain.
I trust him with every essence of my being, yet, at times, I feel that its in vein.
How does it happen? Giving that much power to another person, allowing them inside of your secret places.
I'm consumed by his very being, embodying his words. His drive; His stubbornest; His lack of control.
Adornment for the qualities that I lack and he possesses.
He is more then my love, he is my best friend. 
 

Hey Babes,
Being black and acting black has proven to be two entirely different entities.
To be Black is, of course, having black parents or one black parent, politically correct, bi-racial. But, acting Black, has been typed as this "Keep it Ghetto" or "Real" mentality. "Don't abandon your roots" train of thought and its troubling to think that the HOOD is how one group of people are defined. 
I do not know if other people know this or not, but all Black people aren't from the "HOOD" a lot of us come from well educated, successful, two parent homes. Surreal Right!!
Although, we as a group of people possess most of the same ancestral genes, we are not the same, not even in the slightest of ways. We come from all walks of life and have our own unique stories to tell. Of course we share some of the same stories like racism and discrimination.
Its to bad that a majority over shadows those of us who really aren't anything like the stereotypical roles that are portrayed in movies, music videos and television. 
That in order for our youth to be reached we have to break up the English language, add some beats and a few four letter words, and now they understand. Not to mention it has to have "BLING BLING" to be appealing to the eye. 
I get upset when I am approached in a clothing store and the first thing the sales associate wants to show me is the loudest, gaudiest pieces as if they had a training session on how to sell to Blacks.
I could even understand it if I had on something the resembled the atrocious ensembles on display, but Never could you even categorize my style with that mess. 
Embracing the stereo types and accusing each other of not being "REAL" because of being able to articulate words or not sagging pants or rolling our necks and acting dumb when your really not, just continues to allow other ethnic groups to think they are superior to us. 
Words of wisdom, "WE ARE MORE THAN WE'VE BECOME"... Lets embrace and showcase our creativity, our passion, and our unique great traits that people tend to act like they can not see.   

 

Hey Babes,
 Sad, sometimes, the harshness of reality. But, indeed it is true women of a lower economic class produce an obscene amount of children. I just don't understand why in 2009, do people choose to be poor. By not going to school, by not breaking the generational curses that hold families, not wanting more for them selves, is the most backwards form of thinking that plagues communities. 
Excuses have been made time and time again for people like that but when will they be held accountable for their actions.
STOP HAVING BABIES THAT YOU CAN NOT AFFORD
Stop laying on your back and pick up a book. I am discussed by people like that.
I see it every day, young girls, 19 years of age with three children, different fathers. 24 years of age 5 children and none of them with either parent.The worst, most disgusting thing of all, is that Those people have relations with the same people and that makes their friends, now cousins and half brothers and sisters, its like inbreeding... Gross. Why?
The world will continue to be populated by morons and there is nothing any body can do about it.
Life it self, takes a person on a crazy, hard journey all on its own, it doesn't need any additional help from those that continue to make idiotic decisions.
But, no, its like they want their life to be hard and struggle for most of it, if not the rest of their life. Like having children is the "thing" to do, not if giving your all for some one else isn't ideal.   

Hey Babes,
I Absolutely Hate it when black people act so ignorant and oblivious to the facts.
We all do not have "Nappy" hair.
Yes. Two black people can make beautiful babies.
That your color makes you special.  
I have heard Black women talk about having biracial children just so they can come out with lighter skin and "Good Hair".  Black Men who purposely date outside of their race to produce "Good Haired" children. It is the saddest thing I have ever heard and seen in my life. Just because your black or of African decent doesn't guarantee naps and nots and dark skin. I find it difficult to except the fact that still, black people do not see their beauty. 
That your concern as a parent is as trivial as the grade of your child's hair. How F-ing stupid is that.
More and more children are being born with diseases and illnesses that effect the quality of the future. With aids rising, autism, cerebral palsy, down syndrome and the many more once rare cases of disease becoming common. Who FREAKING cares the type of hair your child has.